Unedited Incoherent Thoughts On Onimai Anime As A Potential Present

19 9月 2023

much has been written about onimai anime as this euphoric trans fantasy but what intrigues me the most about the anime is how, through its slice-of-life worldbuilding, it constructs this utopia of the present that feels realizable.

the anime has only two truly fantastical elements: the gender bender medication that makes mahiro a young woman and their parents are usually AWOL. otherwise, everything else unfolds rather organically: mahiro experiences feminine care thanks to her sister, she meets friends in middle school, and so on. past the premise, nothing is out of the ordinary. the very trans fantasy of reliving their life in school again is surprisingly grounded in that sense.

and yet, it’s a fantasy, even though it shouldn’t be. the show has put much attention to everyday activities and worries (going to the hairdresser, menstruation) that it becomes simply a “woman life simulator”. the show doesn’t always romanticize womanhood, but it shows how transitioning is clearly a good fit for mahiro. the final episode has mahiro postponing returning to being a guy because she feels better being a woman right now. it’s a poignant resolution since it’s a real question people talk about (whether to detransition), but not everyone is able to think about this dilemma — just speculate about it.

the onimai anime therefore is a kind of speculative fantasy to me. the little fantastical elements it has in an otherwise realized setting provoke watchers to think about what it’s like to be in mahiro’s shoes — or what’s different between the watchers and mahiro. aside idealistic elements, there’s likely not so much. the scenarios (what would mahiro do in xyz) simulates potential life experiences people could undergo. the show is not so detached from life that it’s easy to speculate about what's possible then.

i find it interesting that people bring up this show as one of the reasons they considered transitioning. this show likely pushed people who've thought long and hard about this and made them look into this seriously. this obviously shows how much they want to change their present — to chase that mahiro “ideal”. mahiro is having fun picking clothes and that fun feels so realizable and easy to do. when mahiro asks "is this really me?" as she looks at the mirror, it almost feels like an audience member could go "could this be me someday?" too. that speculation of “could i be like mahiro” is now transformed into a trans experience that can be lived and relived many times over.

the “this is pretty much realizable even when the fantasy elements are excised” aspect is what fascinates me about the show. there’s few things idealistic about the show. it’s optimistic, sure, but it also refers to some real boring and annoying stuff that women get into. mahiro finds long makeup sessions at the hairdresser and long bouts of shopping dreadful. not everything works out for her, but enough does that makes her want to be more of a woman. this is, i think, realistic. but the easy accessibility to trans care that's even an eighth as effective as mihari's wonder gender drug? that's the fantasy. the show is only a fantasy because people don’t have access to this stuff and are often ostracized for seeking it. many of the plot beats in the show should be replicable, but due to transphobia among other structural things (ahem, capitalism) this is not possible for so many people. onimai shows that this should be: it can make all the mahiros happy.

that's why i think of the show as depicting a potential present. this is the timeline that could’ve been something so much better. mahiro and us are living in the same “now”; yet, many people won’t have a fraction of her life at the moment. mahiro’s “now” is a real possibility people can have if given the chance, so the question is “what does ‘given the chance’ mean in this context?” mahiro’s life isn’t a lost future; this is another potential present that is waiting in the horizon. we just have to somehow redirect the present to that possibility. that answer will differ for everyone. for some folks living in privileged areas, this could mean exploring hrt options including diy. for others, it could mean switching up pronouns. and not everyone wants to be trans anyway, but they might want to have the mahiros of the world get that opportunity too. this present/“fantasy” feels so close yet so far, so it's important to think about why we haven’t gotten here.

even putting aside the political overtones, i think it’s an important cultural and psychological question. i’ve been thinking about “potential presents” for a while: why are the things the way they are, how do we create new alternative paths away from the main roads, what makes life even more interesting than what we have now today, etc. having a vivid imagination about what’s doable right now is how you fight things like nihilism and be able to wake up to a new dreadful monday morning. there’s always things to do and change everyday; it’s just that we need to learn about it in order to perceive it.

subcultures are perfect to think about new, possible todays. not everything in subculture is as bloomer as onimai, but they reward us with profound insights about our current realities. they are incisive about what is lacking in the mainstream and propose some cutting edge stuff about how to think about the present. it’s this fostering of the imagination about alternative nows that i admire in subculture media and much of it exists in onimai too.

indeed, with so much rich material in this slice-of-life show, it almost feels like a responsibility to interpret as much as possible. people may have different interpretations, but that’s fine. it provokes them to think of another present, a world that’s much like our current one but much better and livelier.

i think that’s the hope of all subculture media: they all desire a potential present that can accept their dreams and woes, their smiles and tears, their personhood…

to hear their voices requires us to be less stubborn and learn instead to imagine new presents that aren’t at all far from our current present. onimai is very good at showing the trans girl fantasy of reliving school again; that’s just a potential present that could happen today or tomorrow if some things change. here is a today that could be our today now. we just need to fight for it.

okay i am bored of writing, bye.